The subject of "home" has always been a difficult one for me, because I have moved around so much and spent so much of my life apart from people I love. Home is definitely where people I love are, but there are many places of which that's true.
An Undivided Heart
Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. Psalm 86:11I've thought about this verse a lot, and wondered what it would be like to have an undivided heart. It sounds incredibly restful to me sometimes. I don't think I've ever felt that my heart was completely at home in one place. It is always divided. This started when I first went to boarding school at the age of seven, and experienced what it's like to want to be in two places, to miss my parents desperately but at the same time love school and being with my friends. My heart was divided; I couldn't choose.
In fact, maybe my divided heart started even earlier than that. I was born in the United States and then went to Africa as a tiny baby. I was from two places, heard many languages, loved both ugali and pizza, had my blond pigtails pulled by people who were fascinated by my hair.
And now I live away from most of my family and many of my friends and my heart remains divided; there's always, always someone to miss. Divided, loving more than one place, loving more people than I can count, not satisfied with seeing people I love so seldom, with one sentence on Facebook, with not knowing my nieces and nephews, or my friends' children, not being part of their lives.
I guess everyone is like that these days; none of us can live near to all the people that matter to us. I have a friend from high school who was the third generation of her family growing up in the same house, but that's not common any more, and probably I romanticize what that would be like, as someone who has lived in mission housing, or rented houses or apartments, since my birth. It's a missionary kid cliche that we can't tell where we're from; there's no place on this earth where I feel rooted.
Maybe that's not what the verse means; it's talking, after all, about loving God above all others. Other versions of the Bible use language like "purity of heart," "unite my heart," even "focus my heart." God can focus my heart even as I flit about from one task to the next, from one need to the next. Even as I hurt with absence from people I love.
"Some day," posted an MK friend on, yes, Facebook, today, "there will be no goodbye." I can't imagine that day. It brings tears to my eyes to try to picture it. A day of hellos.
Yes, my heart is often divided, but I'm so thankful for the many wonderful people that God has brought into my life and given to me to love. And "home," the actual place where I hang my hat (we do have a hat-rack, and I literally hang hats on it), is with the people with whom I get to share life right now. It won't be forever, I'm reminded as college mail arrives each week for my tenth grader in the wake of his PSAT. But for now, my heart is at home with my husband and son, and my heart is also with my daughter in college, and my family spread around the world, and my friends whom I love. Better too much love than too little, every time. Love is worth the pain of separation.
In the 2011 post, I wrote that I don't feel rooted anywhere. In 2017 my OLW was ROOTED, and after reflecting more on that concept, and on the verse in Ephesians that talks about being "rooted and established in love," I do feel rooted, right here where I am. Home is where my heart is, right here, nestled in God's love.
Be sure to visit Donna's roundup to see what everyone else wrote today.
5 comments:
Yes, I think we are all learning new ways of being rooted. The world is big, we are spread out, and yet! The whole world (and beyond) can be our home. Thank you for these lovely thoughts, Ruth. I like thinking of baby girl you with the blond pigtails in Africa. xo
Ruth, your last paragraph grabbed my heart as I knew you were at peace with your thoughts. I walk away from your post agreeing that distance makes one feel divided but it is the love that we hold within our hearts that brings loved ones closer. I am so thankful that this weekend I travel to see my daughter, son-in-law, and grandbaby. Though it will only be for 4 days, it will be wonderful to be close to them.
I appreciate you sharing this as I contemplate my youngest daughter and her family moving from so close by to way across the country in Arizona. Roots keep us tied to all that is important, all that nourishes and sustains us. Let your roots sink deep, my friend.
Thank you for this post, Ruth. I am trying to imagine what it was like for you. My older siblings also tell me about the many times my parents moved and how disorienting it was as a child. We tend to feel so rooted to our place on earth. I am happy that you wrote about this and that you are finding a way to feel at home whenever you are with loved ones, rooting yourself also in God's love. Blessings.
Wonderful post! It reminds me of Bible verses that speak of us being pilgrims and strangers on earth. Perhaps some of us have a false sense of security in our rootedness.
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