Right after I got here, I went to see a friend, and we mostly talked about Haiti but then we talked for about ten minutes about books. It felt so good to talk about something normal, but then I immediately felt guilty. How could I stop thinking about Haiti for ten minutes?
I'm learning that it's OK to have those brief minutes of normal and, in fact, that I should even enjoy them. It doesn't mean I've forgotten. The grief is still there, and it comes at me in waves, and it's huge and bottomless. Sometimes getting that little tiny break from it, maybe even laughing at something or thinking that something is beautiful, is OK. It just has to be.
So I had a pretty good day today. I had lunch with a friend. She and I talked a lot about Haiti, but we also talked about a couple of other things. She made me smile. We went to a bookstore. I still can't read books, but just going to a bookstore is progress. I got some packages. One of the ladies from North Carolina who was with us after the earthquake sent a bunch of clothes and fun stuff for my son, and she also put in a photo she had taken of my husband and had framed. That made me smile, too.
I also cried a lot today. That's just a given. I miss Haiti. I miss the Haiti that used to be. I miss my husband. I miss my students and my job and my life. I miss my friends. I grieve for those who are dead, for those who have lost limbs, for all who suffer. I grieve for all that is lost and will never be again, for the hopes that were taken away.
So that was today.
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