I emailed my husband this morning that I was feeling about fourteen emotions today. After that I made a list of what I was feeling, and I came up with seventeen separate emotions. This must be an improvement on the constant gray of a few weeks ago, and several of the words on my list are positive ones. Now there's a palette to work with. Still, I think I might burst from all of it.
A couple of people have told me that my sensitivity is part of what makes me who I am, and that feeling emotion deeply is a gift. It often doesn't feel like a gift, but a curse. I am tired of it. I'm tired of talking about it, and thinking about it, and my frequent taking of my emotional temperature. It bores me to tears. Part of this is a function of having no job to go to, and spending an inordinate amount of time thinking. I'm working on that, finding myself places to be during the day and other things to focus on.
Yesterday the Palm Sunday service in the morning was so beautiful, and I was filled with joy as we sang "Hosanna." At the same time, I missed our celebration at home, and remembered why I wasn't there, and was filled with sorrow. And that's a lot of filling. Too much.
Holy Week is an appropriate time for mixed emotions, as it careens from the giddy excitement of Palm Sunday to the stress and anguish of the middle of the week, the devastating grief of Friday to the delirious joy of Easter morning. I have to believe that God understands all of it, and that as I cast it all on Him, He will give me what I need to get through it.
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