Tuesday, March 23, 2010

It's Going to Be All Right

This morning when I walked I decided to listen to music instead of a podcast. I'm not sure that's such a smart thing to do. I ended up crying almost the whole time, and not even always being aware of what I was crying about. There are so many feelings connected to this whole time in my life that I suppress - because they are silly or trivial or seem wrong, or because I shouldn't feel that way. I have found from the beginning that music bypasses my brain, and things I can't really let myself think about come out in emotions.

Anybody who's reading this blog knows I'm still struggling. Anybody who sees me knows that. At church on Sunday I got overwhelmed in my Sunday School class and couldn't face people and couldn't get hold of myself. I went to find somewhere I could be alone but that's not so easy on a Sunday morning. I finally ended up in the pastor's office, and he handed me a box of tissues and left me after I begged him not to be nice to me, since that would just make me worse. I was able to control myself enough to get through the service mostly dry-eyed.

I feel so foolish writing all that. I feel I should be past this sobbing part of the process, I should be strong. But there are so many aspects to it, so many things I grieve over. I know I will never be completely over this, that for the rest of my life I will suffer over what happened in Haiti and the aftermath of it. But I also know that these feelings will get less intense. At least, that's what everyone tells me.

So this morning as I walked, and as I wrestled with my emotions and cried and generally made a spectacle of myself (but that's OK because unlike in Haiti, the road wasn't filled with others walking, and nobody was looking at me), this Sara Groves song came on. I've taken the liberty of changing "alright" to "all right." My pedantic English teacher ways will not allow anything else, and I choose to look at that as a good sign that the real me is still inside somewhere.



It's Going to Be All Right
By Sara Groves and Gordon Kennedy

It's going to be all right
It's going to be all right

I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that

It's going to be all right
It's going to be all right

I believe you'll outlive this pain in your heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that

It's going to be all right
It's going to be all right

When some time has passed us, and the story is retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
Oh, oh, I believe I believe,

I believe
I believe

I did not come here to offer you clich├ęs
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you

It's going to be all right
It's going to be all right


It really is going to be all right. Sara Groves says so. And everyone else says so, so many wonderful people that God has put in my life during this time. It helps that others are holding out faith for me. Because some days I just can't do it for myself.

2 comments:

Janet said...

Sheesh. Not even hearing whatever music goes with this, it still makes me choke up. Maybe because it seems so precisely aimed.

This makes me think about grief, and what it really is. Not a bucket of tears that slowly empties. More like a muscle that throbs till the swelling goes down.

Keep listening to music.

elizabeth said...

yep. I think it was really tramatic what happened and it is fully normal for, after such little time really, to be feeling this way.