In 2010, I chose the One Little Word LOVED. I wrote here about how I chose it and what it meant to me. In the aftermath of the earthquake on January 12th, 2010, I spent the year realizing how much I was loved, by God and by the people in my life. I was loved without doing anything to earn love, in the midst of my terrible weakness, in the midst of my shame over leaving Haiti, in the midst of my grief and general uselessness to do anything about what was going on there.
It's time to revisit the word LOVED this year. The circumstances are different from those in 2010, but I've struggled mightily this past year with changes in my life. One of these changes was my eldest leaving for college. It seemed as though, after dealing with loss and endless goodbyes pretty much constantly my whole life, and the comings and goings of an international lifestyle, I suddenly lost the ability to do it any more. I've been going to counseling and working through many of these past and current losses. It's been brutally hard, and then I've berated myself for calling emotional pain "brutally hard" in a world where people are tortured and persecuted and driven from their homes by war, a world where people have lives that really are brutally hard. Oddly, this self-criticism hasn't made me feel any better.
I need to allow myself to be reminded that in spite of my weakness, in spite of my struggles, I am LOVED. Life is about loss - how well I know it - but there's still more love out there for me, and I am not abandoned even when it feels as though I am. I am already so loved, even when I panic and cling and fall apart. Even when I'm broken-hearted. Maybe especially then.
4 hours ago